HOW TO KNOW TRUE LOVE FROM WRONG LOVE

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NOTE: DON’T GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU HAVE READ THIS.

(This article is dedicated to my son Von. I hope when the time comes, this will be a blessing to him.)

One of the reasons why there are so many broken families, early pregnancies, and failed marriages—even among Christian families today—is that very few are teaching about Godly relationships and how to distinguish true love from the wrong ones. If it is taught at all, it often receives little emphasis. This is an area where ministers of the Word should also focus on, since the enemy is attacking us in this aspect of our lives, especially the youth today.

Remember, marriage is not a joke. The man or woman you choose to marry will be your partner for the rest of your life. Let that sink in: FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. He or she will be your partner in building your home, and most importantly, he or she will become the father or the mother of your children. Our children cannot choose their mom or dad—BUT WE CAN. YOU CAN. That is why it is so important to choose wisely.

You must be careful and discerning in selecting your life partner. Make sure that he or she is truly your partner. Ensure that your relationship is founded and grounded in genuine love. You need to make sure that the two of you really love each other.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

The most abused word in the world today is the word love. This is because many of us do not truly understand what it really means. Everywhere we look, we find “love gurus” and “love experts” hosting podcasts, giving advice on love and marriage, not to mention the millions of social media posts and self-help books on this topic. But do not be deceived—these “experts” cannot compare to the true Expert, the ultimate source and originator of love Himself: our Lord God. As it is written in 1 John 4:7-8:

“Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.”

This topic is seldom tackled among churches. In addition to this, we have little knowledge about the Source of it. So in this article, we will concentrate on differentiating true love from wrong love. The aim is to guide the readers in making decisions in this major area of our lives. Remember that being in a relationship will make you encounter many complications. So you need to be equipped on how to deal with them. This has been a blessing to me, I hope this will be a blessing to you too.

In the Greek language, the Greeks have identified eight different words to describe eight distinct kinds of love. However, these eight kinds of love can actually be grouped into three main kinds: EROS, PHILIA, and AGAPE. In this article, we will focus on these Greek terms, as the English language has very limited words to fully capture the depth of what love really is.

1. EROS – this is the word used by Greeks to describe a kind of love that is deeply connected with physical attraction, sexual desire, infatuation and lust. It is from the Greek word “eros” which came the words “Error” and “Erroneous” which mean “wrong.” In short, this is the wrong kind of love. This kind of love is according to the flesh or physical aspects. You are attracted to the other person’s physical or material aspects. Its foundation is physical lust. Its results are always heartbreaks and problems.

2. PHILIA – this kind of love is also referred to as friendship love, family love or brotherly love. This is the kind of love that you feel for your family, friends, siblings, colleagues you respect or people you have the same values with. If Eros is based on the flesh or our physical aspects, Philia on the other hand, is based on our Soul or personality. You are attracted to people’s souls. You are attracted to those who have the same personality, values or character as you. This kind of love is deeper compared to Eros.

3. AGAPE – according to the Greeks, this is the highest form of love. It is also known as “the unconditional love or true love.” Most love has conditions, but this one doesn’t expect anything in return. This kind of love came from God alone (Romans 5:8). It transcends beyond our body and our soul. It’s the love that is coming from our spirit and sees our spirit. Because it came from God alone, one must possess God in order to give this kind of love. In other words, those people who can give Agape are only those who are born-again or indwelt by God. They are the people whose spirits are alive because of God’s indwelling. Without God indwelling you, it is impossible to give this kind of love. That’s why this kind of love is very rare to find.

Most people can only give Eros or Philia. It is very rare to find Agape, especially nowadays. That’s why if you want to have a strong relationship and a successful marriage, you need to be very sure that the love that you have in your relationship is Agape. The good thing is, love grows and along with it, we learn. So make sure that your love is true love before you commit to marriage.

Life is too short. Don’t waste your life here in heartaches and heartbreaks because of wrong decisions and wrong relationships. Don’t add to those broken families and children whose lives became miserable and without direction because of wrong decisions about marriage. Most crime in this world is committed by those coming from broken families. So don’t be deceived, being in wrong relationships will ruin your life (1 Cor. 15:33). Don’t waste your life being in relationships that will not nourish you.

The purpose of this article therefore, is to guide the readers on how to recognize Agape (true love), and to do away with Eros (wrong love). Through the Word of God, we will lay down here the signs and attributes of Agape from Eros. We will differentiate the two using the Bible. Again, DON’T JUMP INTO MARRIAGE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS FIRST.

Before we start, I want you to take a pen and paper. Then as you read this article, I want you to list down the attributes of love given here that are applicable to you or to the relationship you are in right now. Then later, we will tally them and determine based on your score, if what you have is really true love or not. With this, we will now dissect what 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says about True Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1. LOVE IS PATIENT

EROS – It starts quickly.

If it is Eros, then it will start quickly. Do you know the phrase “love at first sight?” That is, when two strangers first meet, and they have this first eye contact, and everything else in the room freezes, and boom! They knew!

Well, they actually don’t know. The truth is, what they have is actually Eros. The attraction is what meets the eye. It’s purely physical. The judgment only depends on what meets the eye. They don’t even know each other’s personalities yet.

It is the first characteristic of Eros: it starts quickly. And because it starts quickly, it will also end quickly. Most relationships that started like this, ended up like this also – quick. Because it lacks foundation, and it doesn’t experience the test of time, it will likely to crumble. Since it purely depends on physical attraction, that attraction will also fades when physical features fade or when the other person finds another person who is more beautiful or handsome than you are.

It is true that our first judgment of the person is what meets our eyes. Our attraction or unattraction to a person started in physical features. But don’t ever let physical features alone decide on the relationship that you will enter into. While physical features provide the initial spark, it is Agape love—selfless, patient, kind, and truth-seeking—that nurtures a relationship into a lifelong and fruitful partnership.

AGAPE – It grows over time.

True love doesn’t rush. It grows over time. That is why the Word of God tells us that “love is patient.” You can’t have true love at first sight. If it is “love” at first sight, then it is not love. It is actually Eros at first sight.

True love develops and grows. All growth always requires time. All genuine things in this world are not the product of speed, they are the product of time (e.g. diamond, precious stones, gold). They develop through time. That’s why they are hard to find. If you can easily find it, then it means it’s not that valuable.

If love has a best friend, it would be Time. The more time you give to it, the more it will grow. That’s why we have the saying: “True love waits.” Unlike Eros which is quick, Agape on the other hand, waits. And this is why true love can stand the test of time.

Remember that time will test everything. It will challenge everyone especially our faithfulness. If I were a boyfriend returning for his girlfriend, time would be my best friend. This is because, it is only through time that I can tell if my girlfriend is faithful to me. The test of time will challenge everyone who claims that they love you.

Here is a scenario:

Suppose I will treat you to a dinner and money is not the problem. Where would you want that dinner to happen? Will it be in an elegant, fancy restaurant or in a fast-food restaurant? When you choose the fancy one, we will need to wait for about 30 to 40 minutes before we can have our food. This is because, they will first cook our food to make sure that they are freshly prepared when served on our table. Because it is served fresh, we can also guarantee that they are delicious.

But before you choose the fancy one, here’s the catch: you are already very hungry. Your stomach is already protesting. If you choose the fast-food restaurant, surely, we can have our food in less than five minutes. Yes, their food can satisfy our hunger quickly but the reason why they are called “fast-food” is because they are mostly pre-cooked foods or processed foods that is easily cooked, packed with preservatives and additives to prolong their shelf-life until their time to be cooked. Freshness is not in the option here. I know this because I am a Food Technologist.

So where do you want to eat? Would it be in the fast-food restaurant or in the fancy restaurant despite of our protesting stomachs? A 30 to 40-minute waiting will actually not pose anything serious in your health. But in order to solve this problem, let’s kill time by getting to know each other first. Or the best thing to do is, let’s share our Lord Jesus to one another and how He has changed our lives. And we will not notice our protesting stomachs and how time flies. We will just be surprised; our order is already right before our eyes.

This is what true love is. Remember, time is your best friend. Don’t rush everything. Be in love with the Lord first and be amazed by His majesty. And you will be surprised, the one He prepared for you is right before your eyes. Therefore, give love some time.

Lastly, remember that time and love are directly proportional to each other. The more quality time you spend with your love, the more he/she will love you and the more you will love her/him also. So if you wanted that your love for each other will grow, the secret is to spend more quality time with each other.

2. LOVE IS KIND

EROS – It makes you an unkind person.

Because Eros is deeply rooted in the strong physical attraction, sexual desire and infatuation with the other person, these strong feelings can blind the person experiencing them. It will make you out of focus and less efficient on other things because you are deeply focused on your partner alone. You are thinking of him/her almost all the time of the day which is a great sign of deep infatuation and not true love. You always daydream. You can’t even eat or sleep properly. It disorganizes your personality. You will be less efficient in other things and become irresponsible. If you are studying, you are out of focus which will lead you to many failing grades. If you are working, you will be less efficient at work.

You idealized him/her and you can’t even see any flaws on him/her anymore. You don’t care about the opinion of your parents, family and friends who are the ones who really care for you. You don’t even have time for them anymore. What matters to you is only your feelings for her/him. You will think that it’s you and him/her against the world which makes you an unkind person. And the worst thing that can happen is, you don’t even have time for the Lord anymore. This is the danger of Eros – it consumes you. It is like Samson who is consumed by his lust for Delilah. King David, King Solomon and other Bible characters who gave in to Eros have always had one end-point – failure. Eros has been a slayer of kings since time immemorial. It takes away the best version of you that God wanted you to have.

AGAPE – It makes you kind.

If it is Agape, then it will make you kind. Because true love is kind. It inspires you to be a good and better person. You became an efficient and responsible person. You excel in what you do. If you are studying, you excel in your class because true love inspires you. It gives you inspiration to be better. It inspires you to grow. You bring out the best in your partner and she/he also brings out the best in you. You are in control of your feelings and emotions and not the other way around.

Most of all, this kind of love draws you closer to God because Agape originated from Him alone. It does not pull you away from the Lord. If Eros’ main concern in the physical, Agape on the other hand, is your spirit. It nourishes your spirit and its main concern is your spiritual growth. This is the kind of love that builds you up and makes you a better person.

3. IT DOES NOT ENVY

EROS – It makes you envy others.

Since the attraction depends on physical aspects, Eros’ foundation is shallow. Once you find another person who is more handsome or more beautiful than your partner, you will go after that person. You will not be content. It will lead you to envy others. That’s why this kind of love always leads to heartbreaks. As Proverbs 31:30 says:

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.”

There is a danger about Eros. There are only a few things that attract you about your partner. And they revolve only around what you can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch about him/her. Superficial attractions like a beautiful face, a good voice and smells nice are what attract you. When these things are gone, you look for another. You will not be content with him/her.

AGAPE – It makes you contented.

There are many things that interest you about your partner. And that’s why you are contended in her/him. You don’t envy others. You don’t look for someone else. Yes you are attracted by him/her physically, but it goes deeper than just physical. You are also attracted with her/his total personality. You are attracted by “What’s in the body” and not just the body. Aside from your partner’s physical features, you also like his/her soul (personality). And Agape even goes deeper than the soul. You are also attracted to his/her spirit.

Like attracts like. If your spirit has been born-again, you will also probably be attracted to those whose spirits have been made alive by the Lord. If you have been born-again, your main concern now is your spirit, and that’s why you will be attracted to those whose concern also is the well-being of their spirit. You will be attracted to people who love the Word of God. This is why the Word of God advises believers to marry those who also share their faith (2 Corinthians 6:14). If you desire is to grow spiritually, choose a man or woman who also seeks spiritual growth—someone whose heart is concerned with the development of their spirit.

And these are the reasons why Agape love will make both of you feel secure. You do not envy others. This is because your love is deeper. It is not superficial. And that’s why it can survive many storms in your relationship. It is not only about physical. You love him/her deep down to her/his spirit. You love him/her because you can see God in her/him Who is the source of that love. This is the reason why literally, God is the great matchmaker since the creation of man. That’s why follow your spirit in selecting a partner. Don’t be deceived by your flesh.

4. IT DOES NOT BOAST

EROS – You date to boast.

You became a trophy girlfriend/boyfriend. Your purpose of dating him is because he is the campus heartthrob or a varsity player. You date a girl who is pretty and popular just to boost your ego. She may be selfish and demanding, but if she is the “queen” of the school, that will make you the “king” when you date her. The overall aim is always “how can it benefit me?” You don’t really love her/him, you just want to show off to others because it will hurt your ego if you can’t have the most beautiful girl or the most handsome guy on the campus. You are hurt if she/he is dating another man or woman not because you love her/him, but because you just can’t take it that you cannot possess her/him. Just like a child who wanted a toy but couldn’t have it.

Be careful with these kinds of people. These people who date to boast are often obsessive-possessive people. They are mostly the people who experienced childhood neglect or abandonment by their parents and developed the fear of uncertainty that’s why they became possessive in their relationships. Not all but most of the time, they came from a broken family. It became their coping mechanism. Do away with this kind of relationship. They are the people who haven’t outgrown their trauma yet.

Another sign of this is the need to update your partner about your whereabouts and what you are doing almost every hour of the day. Which is a great sign of insecurity. People in this kind of relationship are also often seen on social media, flaunting how “sweet” their relationship is. They are the ones who often show off on Instagram and Facebook stories of how “great” the relationship that they are in. Mature people don’t do this. Maturity will tell you that you don’t need to post everything.

AGAPE – It makes you humble.

Agape is the opposite of this. It makes you humble. You love your partner for what he/she is—not for what he/she can do to build your ego. You protect your relationship and not flaunt it everywhere. You seldom have a post about it on social media. You both value peace and stability over publicity and want to protect your relationship from outside judgment or interference. Secure couples often feel less need to prove their connection online. Their sense of validation comes from the relationship itself, not its appearance to others. The more secure you are in your relationship, the less you feel the need to prove it to the world. That’s why you became humble.

5. IT IS NOT PROUD

EROS – You became self-centered.

So the two of you have been in a relationship for a while now? Then describe to me how the two of you spent time together.

One way to know if you’re in an Eros relationship is through your own or your partner’s words. Statements like these are very common in an Eros relationships:

“During our dates, we watch a movie. He orders cheese popcorn, and I order caramel. His drink is soda, and mine is iced tea. After that, he and I go shopping. He carries my shopping bags like he’s the sweetest man in the world! Then he brings me to my house.”

Observe closely. What have you noticed in these statements? Notice the frequent use of the words: “I, he, my, me, mine, myself.” These are the words of individualism. This means you are still thinking of yourselves as two separate persons. You are still self-centered. You have not become one yet. You are still proud. You are more concerned with yourself than him/her.

This fifth sign of an Eros relationship is the sign that cannot be faked because it comes from your subconscious. You still see yourselves as two separate individuals and not as a couple. This kind of relationship is still shallow.

AGAPE – You think of yourselves as one.

You subconsciously use the words “we, our, us” in describing your relationship. You see yourselves as a couple and not as individuals. You are also concerned about your partner’s well-being, not just of yourself. You do things together and are happy doing it. When she/he asks you, your response is often: “I do not want to go unless you can go too”. This is how Agape relationship makes you humble.

So next time, if you want to know about the kind of relationship that person is in, let him/her talk about it, then listen carefully to the words he/she uses.

6. IT DOES NOT DISHONOR OTHERS

EROS – You become a bitter person, not a better one.

You became angry with those who don’t approve of your relationship. Your behavior toward others is no longer good. Because you idolized her/him, your world only revolves around that person just like the moon that revolves around the Earth. You don’t listen to your parents, friends and the people who really care about you anymore. In fact, you see them as a hindrance to your relationship. For you, it’s you and your partner against the world.

You became angry with your parents. You don’t listen to them and you don’t respect them anymore. This is how destructive Eros relationships are. Remember that this kind of relationship will not last, but the damage that it will create will really affect you. This relationship is a bad influence on you.

AGAPE – You don’t neglect your first love, you just add a new relationship.

Agape will not make your life revolve around one person only. Instead, it just expands to include your partner and not neglect the relationships that you already have with your family and friends. You became more realistic than idealistic. You consider the advice of your parents and those people who you know really care about you because they are after your well-being.

7. IT IS NOT SELF-SEEKING

EROS – You have many incompatibilities.

Again, Eros is all about the self. This is characterized by the flesh as stated in 2 Timothy 3:1–2 and Galatian 5:17-21. Your main concern is what you can get from the relationship instead of what you can give. You still hang on to the relationship even though you have many incompatibilities because it feeds your ego.

Remember that in a relationship, opposites don’t attract; they repel. It is okay to have opposite preferences over small things. For example, my wife loves to eat egg white, while I prefer the egg yolk. I like this opposite about us. It complements. But it is another thing when we talk about values, faith and social status.

As much as possible, make sure that you have the same values. If you have high moral standards, make sure that your partner is the same, you will be living in misery if you settle for low morality of which you are not accustomed to.

Another major thing that you need to consider in your relationship is your faith. Make sure that you have at least the same faith. A Christian marrying a Muslim will more likely end up divorced even though the other was converted to the religion of his/her partner. This is why I strongly advise marrying someone who is in the same faith or in the same religion or sect as you. If you’re a believer, please don’t marry an unbeliever. Your faith is a great contributing factor if your relationship will last or not.

Another thing is the social status. A prince marrying a beggar only happened in fairy tales. It is seldom in real life. If it happens, it will probably end up with divorce, UNLESS, one is able to adjust. It is hard for the rich to adjust to the lifestyle of a middle-income person. The same as it is hard for the middle earner to adjust to the lifestyle of the rich. If they want the relationship to work, they need to make a lot of adjustments. And again, adjustments seldom happen.

AGAPE – You have few incompatibilities.

The most probable reason why a person is “attracted” to a person who is her/his total opposite is because his/her inner child hasn’t healed yet. You like people whom you did not experience becoming. Seeing a “good girl who likes a bad boy” is probably the result of this. They are the people who most probably grow up in a strict and conservative family who never experienced being rebellious, and that’s why they are attracted to rebellious people. This is mostly the result of years of trauma, father wounds and abuse. And this is very dangerous. Letting your “inner child” decide on your relationship will most likely end up in breakup. A child handling a major decision like your relationship is not a wise choice. It is most likely looking for thrills and not a lasting one. It’s not confidence, it’s confusion. You need to heal that inner child first before entering into relationships.

In Agape, it is the opposite – you are attracted to a person not only in a few things, but in many things about him/her. The two of you have many compatibilities because you have many things in common. You have almost the same family background, faith, values, interests and social status. It will not be hard for you to adjust to one another because there are a few things you have to adjust to. Fights and conflicts will most likely seldom to occur. This is the kind of relationship that will probably last.

The kind of opposites that are healthy in a relationship are the ones that complement. For example, I love cooking but I don’t really enjoy washing dishes. It would take me about an hour to wash a few dishes. While my wife Sarah, is an expert on it. It will only take her a few minutes to wash dishes and she even sings while doing it. But when it comes to cooking, our son always told me that my cooking is better than her mom’s 😊. And this is where our opposites complement each other.

8. IT IS NOT EASILY ANGERED

EROS – You are easily jealous.

Because you are in a wrong relationship, most people who love you will disapprove of it for they are concerned about you. This is also the start that you will hate the world, you will hate the people around you. Eros will make you an angry person. This is also the time that things will start to become shaky in your relationship. You will think that everyone is against you. Mistrust will then start to develop. You don’t trust the people around you and a time will come when you no longer trust your partner also. You will develop the negative behavior of being overly jealous of other people.

We often hear young people say: “Oh he must really love me. He is always jealous of other guys.” The truth is, jealousy over small things (or the Green-Eyed Monster as they call it) is not a sign of love, it is a sign of insecurity and mistrust. You don’t trust your partner. This will then lead to frequent fights between the two of you. Your misunderstanding will become worst because you don’t trust each other. And as your relationship continues, it brings out the worst in you. The best thing to do is to stop the relationship.

AGAPE – You trust your partner.

There will be disagreements between you, but they will become less frequent and less severe. Because your relationship is well-founded, you know each other well and therefore, you trust each other more. Trust is directly proportional to how much you know the person. There are many things that you know about your partner because Agape is not superficial. This is why the green-eyed monster has no effect on you.

Other people think that jealousy is a sign of love, and that’s why they often test their partner with it. They will go for other guys or girls to make their partner jealous and to know if they he/she really “love” him/her. This is not the sign of Agape, it is a sign of immaturity. In the first place, you don’t put the one you love in a test just to prove their love to you. It only proves that you don’t really love them, you are just being selfish.

Agape will make you grow. You will learn how to solve problems along the way and it will bring out the best in you.

9. IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS

EROS – It reminds you of your past mistakes.

Because it is Eros, it always loves errors. It dwells in your errors. It will always remind you of your past mistakes and will always be looking for them. It might forgive you now, but it does not forget. It can never forget. And that’s why this kind of relationship is toxic.

Toxic people are mostly those who have experienced a lot of Eros relationships in the past. They are the ones who have trust issues because they have experience being cheated before, and they have experienced it a lot. They are the ones who think that all men or women are the same. And they tend to compare you with their past relationships. The tendency of people who have been to a lot of Eros relationships is that, they don’t actually respect you and love you. They themselves cannot move on from their past. A person who cannot move on from their past, does not know how to respect the present and the future.

AGAPE – You are respected and loved.

You need to know that there are two things that should always be present in a relationship: Love and Respect. According to Ephesians 5:22-29, the greatest need of a man is to be respected, and the greatest need of a woman is to be loved.

If you were to ask men to choose between being loved and being respected, men would always choose to be respected over being loved. In fact, when you respect a man, he feels loved. The best way into your man’s heart is through respect.

The reason why a man would leave the comfort of his beautiful home is because, he is not respected in his own home. Sadly, the same man you disrespect in your relationship is being honored and respected by other women at work. Ladies the devil is training the wicked women to steal your man’s heart by respecting and honoring them more than you do. God knew what he was doing when he said “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). If you are a woman and you plan to enter a relationship, you should know that the greatest need of a man is RESPECT.

On the other hand, if you are a man, you should know that the greatest need of a woman is to be loved. If she respects you, it doesn’t mean that you can already belittle her. Many men are doing this to their wives, exercising their authority with tyranny. Women are designed to be loved and protected. According to the Bible, the woman is a weaker vessel compared to men (1 Peter 3:7). That’s why she needs to be NURTURED, to be feel SECURE and be LOVED.

Men, do you know the reason why you are called the GROOM and your woman the “BRIDE” on your wedding day? Nobody calls the woman WIFE on her wedding day but BRIDE. This is because men will need to GROOM the BRIDE to become their WIFE. That is why the man is called ‘BRIDEGROOM or GROOM’ and the word grooming has to do with PATIENTLY NURTURING, TENDING, HELPING and LOVING the Bride so that she can be the best version of herself. (Take note of the word PATIENTLY).

It is therefore believed that a man who takes a woman to the altar of marriage is mature enough to patiently groom (love) his bride to become his wife. The man is not supposed to just expect the BRIDE to automatically become the WIFE, she must be loved first. If your woman is not in her best version, then there must be something wrong with how you treat her. So if you are a married man, before you think of divorcing your wife, ask yourself first: Have I really loved my wife?

10. LOVE DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL BUT REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH

EROS – It tolerates wrongdoings.

Love is the product of truth. You cannot have love if you don’t have the truth. And there is only one truth – it is the Word of God (John 17:17, Psa. 119:160). That’s why those who truly love also loves the Word of God, for love always follows the truth.

On the other hand, Eros will take you away from the truth. It hates the truth. It hates the Word of God. Eros relationship will take you away from the Word of God. This is the reason why Eros is easy to crumble, because it is not founded on a strong foundation which is the truth. You will be sure that you are in an Eros relationship if that relationship draws you away from the Word of God. You have no time to listen to the Word anymore. It has no concern about the Word. Eros keeps you in a bad company.

AGAPE – It draws you closer to the Word of God.

Remember that Agape came from God alone. It is impossible for someone to possess Agape without the Spirit of God dwelling in Him who is the Spirit of Truth (John 16:13). Therefore, you will know it is Agape, if it draws you closer to the truth which is the Word of God. Your relationship will always follow the truth. That’s why Agape relationship is impossible to crumble because God is in the center of that relationship.

Agape always follows the truth. Take for example Rebekah. Rebekah heard the message first from Eliezer, the servant of Abraham. That message of Eliezer pointed Rebekah to the Truth who is Isaac. She follows the Truth by following the message of Eliezer that leads her to Isaac. Then Isaac brought Rebekah to his mother’s tent and there, they consummated their love (Gen. 24).

Truth here is represented by Isaac and Love here is represented by his Bride, Rebekah. Only the Truth (Groom) alone can produce genuine Love (Bride). For Love always follows the Truth. The Bride (Love) is the product of Truth (Groom). The Bride is taken out of the side of the Groom. Love is taken out of Truth. The Groom is the head of the Bride just like Truth is the head of Love. You cannot have Agape if you don’t have the Truth. You cannot find Agape to people who are not in the Truth. This is why if someone truly loves you, he/she will always lead you to the Truth which is the Word of God (John 17:17).

This is actually the very essence of Agape relationship – it helps both of you to grow spiritually.

11. IT ALWAYS PROTECTS, ALWAYS TRUSTS, ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES

EROS – You don’t feel secure.

Eros relationships will always make you feel insecure. You don’t feel protected. You don’t trust your partner. You don’t feel that your relationship will last longer and that’s why you don’t persevere. You have so many doubts about your future because of so many uncertainties in your relationship. You cannot see your future with him/her. Your feelings towards your partner always change. And most of all, since there is no security, your relationship cannot survive distance.

You will know that it is an Eros relationship because it cannot survive the test of distance. Distance will make your heart go fonder – for someone else. You will try to look for someone else when your partner is away. This is because Eros is purely founded in what you can see, hear, touch smell and taste. Distance will take these things away. If your partner cannot give these things anymore because of distance, you will look for someone else that can give these things to you.

AGAPE – You feel secure.

You trust each other that’s why your relationship can survive distance and separation. If distance separates you, you don’t look for someone else because you are in love with the whole person and not only to his/her physical presence.

If separation cannot be avoided, you will know that you are in an Agape relationship because it will be hard for the two of you to move on. Why is this? Because the two of you have already become one in most aspects of your lives. You can notice this in couples who have been married for a very long time. Once one of them dies, sometimes it takes just days or weeks and their partner will also die. They have become one that they feel like they are no longer complete once their long-time partner dies. Something has gone missing in them.

You feel secure in this kind of relationship because both of you have become responsible people. The two of you will realize that you want to provide for one another. You will look for a source of income so that you can provide for your love. You will not be lazy. Remember that love is providing. Just like our Lord Who never hesitates to provide His self to us so that we will be saved, Agape relationship will also give you a provider mindset. If you really love a person, you will sacrifice and find a way to provide for their needs. You will not just depend on your parents to provide for you. You will become a responsible person.

So those are the 11 attributes of Agape relationship according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Here is the summary table:

ATTRIBUTES	EROS	AGAPE
1. Love is Patient	You don’t neglect your first love, you just add a new relationship.	It grows over time.
2. Love is Kind	It makes you an unkind person.	It makes you kind.
3. It does not Envy	It makes you envy others.	It makes you contented.
4. It does not Boast	You date to boast.	It makes you humble.
5. It is not Proud	You became self-centered.	You think of yourselves as one.
6. It does not Dishonor Others	You became a bitter person, not a better one.	You have a few incompatibilities.
7. It is not Self-Seeking	You have many incompatibilities.	You have few incompatibilities.
8. It is not easily Angered	You are easily jealous.	You trust your partner.
9. It Keeps no Record of Wrongs	It reminds you of your past mistakes.	You are respected and loved.
10. Love does not Delight in Evil but Rejoices with the Truth	It tolerates wrongdoings.	It draws you closer to the Word of God.
11. It always Protects, always Trusts, always Hopes, always Perseveres	You don’t feel secure.	You feel secure.

Using these 11 attributes of love, you need to score your relationship. Out of these 11 attributes, how many attributes of Agape apply to your relationship? Check those that apply to you and tally your score. Please be honest. Only check those that are evident in your relationship. How many Agape attributes you have got?

Here is the meaning of the scores:

9 to 11 = Probably Agape, will result in a good relationship.

5 to 8 = You need to give more time. Know each other well, then weigh things again.

4 below = Most probably Eros. Better to stop that relationship.

Note: Scoring high on this does not necessarily mean that you are ready for marriage. Your relationship may possess many Agape characteristics, but you may still be too young for marriage. Consider your future first. Again, marriage is not a joke. If you are in doubt…don’t! Don’t rush things. Always give time.

Before I finish, I just want to warn readers about this:

Scoring yourself using the things written in here is only applicable for relationships that have not yet done the forbidden thing – Sex.

Sex will ruin everything. It will impair your judgement. You will not be able to consider the things written in here if you have tasted or have been doing sex in your relationship. The lust of the flesh has a great impact on each of us once you have tasted it. It will draw you closer even to a toxic relationship. You will find it hard to get out of that relationship once sex is involved. It will blind you and will make you want to have more of it even if you know that you are in an Eros relationship. You will not be able to consider anything else. That’s why the things written in here will not be applicable to relationships where sex is present.

Avoid sex before marriage at any cost. Again, it will ruin everything. When you are in a relationship, avoid petting as it all start there. Avoid secluded places when you are in a date. Be wise and protect yourself from the pull of the flesh.

Someone asked me:

“Brother Bon, I will not remember everything that you have written in here. Do you have one ultimate formula on how to know if a person really loves you and what you have for each other is really true love?”

Well, if I were to summarize everything I have written in here, there is one formula on how to know if a person truly loves you:

Always remember that the goal of true love is to make you grow mentally, psychologically and most especially, SPIRITUALLY. The aim is for your growth, EVEN IF HE/SHE IS NOT THE ONE SHARING THAT GROWTH WITH YOU. So you need to ask your partner this question. And his/her answer will separate the men from the boys and the women from the girls. Here is the question:

“What if I love someone instead of you, and I know that someone will help me achieve the best version of myself, will you let me go?”

If his/her answer is “No”, then that person is still immature. He/she doesn’t truly loves you yet. But if his/her answer is “Yes, I will let you go.” Then that person knows true love and the most probable thing is, he/she truly loves you. All his/her concerns are for your own good.

Lastly, always remember that true love is to sacrifice for the one you love. The Lord Jesus summarized the greatest kind of love in John 15:13:

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for the ones he loves.”

Always remember this verse. Until then.

A simple request:
IF THIS ARTICLE HAS HELPED YOU, PLEASE SHARE THIS WITH YOUR LOVED ONES, OR THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT, ESPECIALLY TO THE YOUTHS OF THIS GENERATION.

God bless.